September 17, 1992 Journal Entry
Unrest fills me as the longing to be away from here, far away, lingers on. I feel so misplaced and have since the day I was born. I’ve never fit in anywhere. Even as a small child I was different. I tried and tried to be like everyone else, yet nothing worked. I look like everyone else on the outside but my uniqueness always shows through as if I had red and blue plaid skin and purple hair. I often hear, “You’re so strange” or “You’re so weird.” Sometimes I think I must be on the wrong planet. There are things I feel and think in which the words to express them don’t exist. So can any ONE person ever come to truly understand me? I think not. All of this contributes to my sense of being utterly alone. Just a character builder, right? I’ve survived 24 years of loneliness and I’m sure I’ll survive many more. I long for just one person whose arms, when wrapped around me, would be comforting. He’s got to be out there somewhere. I wish I had answers to my many questions and the many “whys”. There have been several storms recently. I adore storms. I love to watch the lightning streak across the sky. You have occasional single bolts but usually it looks like veins or fingers reaching across the heavens. It’s so beautiful. Then…count to ten…a loud “boom” and the air is filled with rumbling thunder. The windows rattle while my chest vibrates. The wind blows, caressing my skin. The raindrops fall and I feel as if I’m being cleansed by heaven’s tears. The power, the strength and energy of the storm fills me, rejuvenating my tired soul. Some people fear storms and run for shelter. I stand out in the open and embrace it, soaking up its healing powers; letting it course through my veins. I’ve never felt anything more comforting or exhilarating.
Author’s notes: It is funny how some things never really change. I know I have met a lot of people who feel this way as well. I understand it better now and I now have a few “weirdo” online friends that I can let my weirdness shine with, which helps.